The rise of sleep divorce in Malaysia
By Julius Goh Liang Chye
It started like many clinic visits. A middle-aged man, visibly drained, walked in with his wife. They were polite, even affectionate — but beneath the surface, something was cracking.
“I forced him to come,” the wife confessed.
She looked tired, not just from lack of sleep, but from holding it together. “His snoring is deafening. He thrashes at night. I’m scared I’ll get hurt in my sleep.”
For months, they’d tried to endure it — until she quietly moved into the spare room. What began as a temporary measure became their new normal. They no longer shared a bed. Their connection was fraying. Even plans to have children were now on pause.
It’s a situation I’ve seen far too often: couples emotionally adrift because of poor, untreated sleep. The medical term? Obstructive Sleep Apnoea. But socially, this emerging phenomenon has taken on a new name — sleep divorce.
The quiet separation
Despite its dramatic tone, sleep divorce doesn’t imply a legal split. It simply means couples choose to sleep in separate beds or rooms to get better rest — often due to snoring, restlessness, mismatched schedules, or preferences like room temperature and mattress firmness.
At first glance, it may sound like a modern, pragmatic solution. After all, who wouldn’t want uninterrupted rest? But sleep divorce is a double-edged sword. While some couples report sleeping better, many find their relationship quietly suffering — intimacy fades, emotional distance grows, and resentment builds.
A rising trend — even in Malaysia
Globally, the numbers are climbing. In the United States, about 31% of adults admit to sleeping apart at least occasionally. Among younger couples aged 35–44, that figure rises to nearly 40%. More than half of those who try it say their sleep quality improves — some even gaining up to 37 extra minutes of rest per night.
But this isn’t a clear win. Around 20% report that separate sleeping arrangements make their relationship feel worse. And that’s the crux: sleep divorce solves one problem while sometimes creating another.
While there’s limited data in Malaysia, it’s likely we’re seeing similar trends. Increased awareness of sleep disorders, especially Obstructive Sleep Apnoea (OSA), means more people are recognising that their partner’s restlessness or snoring isn’t just annoying — it might be a sign of something serious. Globally, OSA affects about 1 in 5 adults.
What couples often miss
Sleep issues don’t start — or stop — in the bedroom. Left untreated, conditions like OSA can lead to high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, and chronic fatigue. More subtly, it chips away at our patience, focus, and emotional resilience — qualities every relationship depends on.
That’s why ignoring the problem rarely helps. Loud snoring, choking or gasping during sleep, and frequent awakenings aren’t just quirks — they’re red flags. The earlier couples seek help, the more likely both sleep and relationships can be salvaged.
There are effective treatments: lifestyle changes, CPAP machines, dental appliances, or even minor surgeries. Many couples who pursue treatment report returning to the same bed — not just to sleep better, but to reconnect.
Beyond sleep: preserving the relationship
Of course, not every couple is ready — or able — to fix the root issue right away. In such cases, sleeping apart can be a short-term relief. But it shouldn’t be the final destination.
One approach is to build bedtime rituals that preserve emotional closeness even when physically apart. For example, winding down together before retreating to separate rooms, or syncing morning routines. Simple gestures — a shared cup of tea, a quiet chat — can anchor intimacy, even if the bed is no longer shared.
It’s also worth recognising the stigma some Malaysians still carry about sleeping apart. In our culture, where multigenerational homes are common and marital harmony is often measured by surface unity, separate beds can feel like taboo. But silence only worsens the divide.
Talking openly — without blame — is crucial. Sleep is deeply personal, and so is love. Navigating the two requires kindness, curiosity, and sometimes, professional guidance.
Is it sleep divorce — or something deeper?
You may be heading toward sleep divorce if:
- You or your partner have quietly relocated to the sofa or spare room.
- Sleep-related arguments have become frequent.
- There’s growing fear or discomfort about sharing a bed.
- Daytime fatigue is affecting your health or work.
- Physical intimacy has declined, and emotional connection feels weaker.
Sleep divorce isn’t a sign of failure. But it is a sign that something needs attention.
The way forward
We often think of love as grand gestures — anniversaries, gifts, holidays. But often, it’s found in smaller acts: adjusting the fan speed for someone else, sleeping a little less so your partner sleeps more, or finally making that doctor’s appointment.
Sleep problems are medical issues. But their impact is deeply emotional. The good news? They’re often treatable.
If restlessness, snoring or exhaustion are keeping you and your partner apart, don’t brush it off. Seek help. You might find that solving the sleep issue brings you closer — not just in bed, but in life.
Dr Goh is a clinical lecturer and consultant otorhinolaryngologist at the Department of Otorhinolaryngology, Faculty of Medicine, Universiti Malaya,